Mindful mindshift

A deep desire to be happy often includes a need to be 'liked' by others. Unfortunately, not everything that makes us happy will please others and the expectations of others may be in conflict with what brings us joy. We can learn to notice and dissolve our unhelpful people pleasing patterns. Our need to please may include limiting beliefs about what we are allowed to feel, be or do. We can have our inner goodness mirrored to us by everything around us. Look through eyes of love at what it means to be an authentic being - who is loved, who makes others smile, who embodies love. Feel that presence of lightness. Notice - what does it actually take to be happy? • We don't need to sacrifice our own well-being • We don't need to manipulate perceptions about ourselves • We don't need to guess what would make others like us • We don't need to worry about meeting the supposed demands • We don't need to pretend to feel something that we don't feel ...

Every so often in our lives we encounter people who resort to character assassination. In an unfair and dishonest way they deliberately attempt to destroy someone’s character, reputation, credibility and so forth. A major weapon that they use is unjust criticism and shaming of someone when they are not present. It is clear that there is a personal agenda at work, but what exactly is on that agenda might not be that clear - the person may try to gain something? They might have a scarcity mentality? They might feel sadistic, greedy, superior, jealous or insecure? They may try to pass it off as taking a moral position, while they make no effort to be compassionate. How can we avoid participating in character assassination? • We can refuse to participate with the character assassin • We can set a high priority on being compassionate and kind • We can still be assertive, even when we are compassionate • We can reserve our judgements for the purposes of learning • We can ass...

Adapted from the "just one thing" bulletin Humans evolved to be afraid. Multiple systems in our brains continually scan for threats. We are vulnerable even to tiny subliminal threats - whether they are real or imagined. We can feel threatened by stimuli that we are not consciously aware of and the resulting fear may not be consciously experienced, although it may result in stress responses in our bodies. There is a wide range of social cues that can trigger fear - like indifference, criticism, rejection, disrespect, seeing a frown or scolding look on someone's face, hearing a cold tone of voice, rapid fire talk, being interrupted repeatedly, receiving an indifferent shrug, someone turning away or walking away, irritation, caustic tone, edginess, superiority, pushiness, nagging, argumentativeness, eye rolls, sighs, demands, righteousness, sharp questions, judgement or put downs. When we receive subtly threatening input, we tend to react - we may feel cautious,...

Adapted from the "Just One Thing" bulletin When our suffering is recognised - when we become aware of and embrace its presence - the pain, frustrations, discontentment and even anguish - it is this very step that is needed for reducing and eventually dissolving the suffering. While we are often more readily able to notice suffering in ourselves, it is not so common that we notice and recognise it in others. We can somehow tune out from the stress, strain, unease and anger in others. Why is this a problem for us and them? Each person needs someone to bear witness to and really get their suffering. If their suffering goes unnoticed, it remains an open wound. When we do not recognise the suffering of others it affects us too. We become at odds with the nature of life, our hearts remain closed and small issues grow bigger until they blow up. When we deliberately overlook someone's pain, we may tend to act uncharitably towards them and avoid them - even when t...

When we worry and ruminate for a long time – in other words we ‘over-think’, we may engage with mental constructs of the future and past, as well as unhelpful comparisons and evaluations. We may generate coherent stories about perceived failures, stories that justify our actions and that describe who we are. We may turn our thoughts and emotions into problems that need to be solved before we can be happy. We may try to directly challenge the content of our thoughts or our stories. By being caught up in the content of our thinking and attempting to avoid our feelings, we get entangled in a cycle of unnecessary suffering. How do we solve this problem? Through mindfulness we learn to sense ourselves as more than our body, history, thoughts and emotions, but rather as a unique, unchanging, ever-present context for all of life's experiences, just like the big sky that contains many things. (1) Present-moment awareness – this means maintaining non-judgmental focus ...

Thoughts and ideas about patterns. In the ideal world, when we become aware of a need to act - we would proceed to act decisively, compassionately and mindfully, even as we eagerly step into the unknowns of our experiences. For many of us this is often not the case. When we go into action it can be far from decisive. Acquired patterns of reactivity may influence how we take action. Our actions may be governed by primitive pattern mechanisms designed for ensuring survival in pre-historic times or for automating repetitive tasks. Each one of us approach events in a unique way - especially the big, important steps in our lives - in our jobs, relationships, business endeavors and so forth. These big steps can become challenging when we recreate the pain, resistance to action or obstructions we encountered during our past experiences. Becoming aware of our patterns, understanding them and gaining insight about them, may enable us to dissolve or guide our patterns toward...

Who are we without the story lines about difficulties from the past? Some of our stories can make us feel resentful, sad, frustrated or ashamed. When we let go of these stories, when we stop identifying with them and when they no longer form part of our identities, we are at peace. Feeling compassion for others does not mean we will relive stories about our difficulties. Being compassionate enables us to hold our boundaries through self-compassion and deal with the flow of events in a peaceful way.